Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.