all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
