I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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