Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
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is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
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The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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