Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
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the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
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Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour