Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.