They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
