so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
