If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
