Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
