Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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