why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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