My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
