well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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