Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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