It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
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We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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