I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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