Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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