I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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