Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
