I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
