"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today