He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
