just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
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Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.