I am in a vortex of obligation.
I puked a lego.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%