i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry