I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
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You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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