i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He? As in you personified your dick?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
try to milk me bitch
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