Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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