So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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