My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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