Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
