My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
