Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
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I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize