I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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