When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
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Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I deserve this hangover.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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