This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Houston, we have a squirter
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize