I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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