When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
There's always time for handjobs
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
