it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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