I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
