Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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