:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
