A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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