bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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