Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
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Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
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After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!