I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.