For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
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we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.