Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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