so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
