mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
