i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
