well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
