you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
