She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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